Originally published at road2wholeness.com on 10/29/16
Welcome back! Thank you for taking the read, and another stroll with The Road2Wholeness Blog.
This is the 5th and final blog in The ReWIRED Life Blog Series. Whoop, Whoop!! I did it!! Believe it or not, I did not decide on a series because it’s cool, or because of its popularity. What I wanted to tell, show, and give you, could be done no other way. It is customary that when I blog, I sit down and write an impromptu message from the heart. This has been my way since I began blogging in 2009. I don’t know if it necessarily worked in this case, but I trusted the intention of my heart and the Spirit of God. It was never meant to be a bullet point. After all, this is my life. I blog about my life and my findings, yet, I have a way of teaching. It’s my nature.
So, you’ve probably realized by now that this story of how my life was ReWIRED, is really a story of how God called me back into relationship with Him, and ReWIRED my understanding of myself and even Him. Throughout the series, God asked me to speak to a few different groups of people, and so I did. This made it somewhat complex to follow, if you were trying to figure out where I was going, rather than simply deciding to walk with me. But, I give thanks to God for His aerial view on my life, my heart, and my work.
Today I connect all the dots. I promised in the first blog to speak about my former battle with depression, the effects of verbal abuse, encountering God, and overthrowing lies and darkness. Well, I couldn’t speak of any of those things without first speaking about God.
You see if we try to go at wholeness with our intellect or even our emotional intelligence, we miss the opportunity to see the power and the glory of God, and we go in and out of wholeness. I know; because I tried. But if you let God lead you, and receive His greatest offering; the ultimate demonstration of His Love; Jesus Christ; once you’ve been restored to wholeness, it’s yours to keep. Now the thing about the road to wholeness, is that, it’s a “W”; a zig and a zag; an up and a down; meaning, it’s not linear.
For example, God may cause you to experience a financial breakdown in order to restore your relationship with your mother. Perhaps you prayed and asked for the relationship to be restored, and you assumed it would be a long talk where both of you would air feelings, and at the end… boom! Restoration! But no, God knows the depth of the matter, and He knows it may take a series of conversations. It may take you having to lean on your mother to see your mother rightly. Etc. So it’s a zig and a zag because He’s working all things together in a none-linear way. However, in the process of facing a financial difficulty, you may seek understanding and counsel about finances. Now at the end of the storm, you’re left with two things; a better understanding of your finances and a restored relationship with your mother; that’s if you choose to get out of “your way” and be open to “the ways of God”. This is the Brilliance I know. This is the Power and Glory I give thanks for.
Anyway, allow me to jump back into the story. Here's a quick back story.
When I was a child, I continuously heard negative things about myself. I heard how ugly, fat, aggravating, and black I was. There was never any encouragement to counteract any of those negative words. As a result of that, and the rejection I received from my father, my self-esteem was shattered. Besides self-esteem, my self-image was distorted. I developed a deep fear of rejection and fear of being ridiculed. I also became a very hypercritical person. In addition to all this, I taught myself how not to feel, be vulnerable, and ultimately to reject intimacy. As a result, I have felt deep depression since the age of eight, and at age fourteen, I tried to end my life. I always felt a strong sense of not being wanted and it was a very heavy burden I lived with every day. Three years ago, at age thirty-three, my mother shared with me that she had tried to terminate her pregnancy with me. She also revealed that she had tried a number of things; but nothing worked. I was not hurt to hear this because I already knew. It had been impressed upon my consciousness from inside the womb. Also, I had already worked with God to heal and rewire my heart and mind regarding my parents. Therefore, the question became, why did God want me to hear this? It was clear to me. He wanted me to know and He wanted it on the record, that He had not only called me into being, but that He had fought for me, and saved me; from the beginning.
You see, the truth of the matter is, that we’re already saved and loved. The fact that we don’t claim our inheritance doesn’t change the fact that there is a “Will” with our name on it. Yet, if we don’t claim our inheritance, we forfeit eternity. Aside from that, we live our whole lives in a subpar existence when we are entitled to life abundantly.
When I talk about a subpar life, I know it all so well. Allow me to go backwards in the story a bit. Remember in the last blog when I talked about arriving at the Universal Truth Center. Well, God allowed me to stay there in order to build up my mind. He allowed me to learn how to work with ideas. Ultimately, He knew how he designed me, what I had gone through, and in what order He would restore me and reconcile me to Himself. This is important to acknowledge, because so many times we Christians think in terms of right and wrong and never leave any room for God to work. I am a witness that everyone who appears to be lost isn’t exactly lost; many are under His wing, even outside of salvation.
In 2009, my sister Gina received her salvation (her inheritance) and began having in home bible study. Because I knew her character and trusted her, I began attending. This was a big step because I was skeptical of The Church and the way they used the Bible. But by this time, I was solid enough in knowing that God loved me, and besides, I had plenty of walls to protect me. By the end of 2012, I started to feel disconnected from UTC and I even found myself walking out of the New Year’s Eve Service. I just remember sitting there knowing that a season had ended. That January, 2013, my sister Gina prayed for me on my birthday. It was her gift. I remember saying, I feel born again. Interestingly, that April, I was enabled to reform my diet. I remember watching myself thinking… “Who is this person?” I couldn’t believe I had the ability to make the changes I was making. It was really something to see. That July, I heard a whisper… “Get baptized” and I obeyed. Yet, I still had no real understanding of who Jesus was. I knew God, the Creator. I knew man did not create the birds, trees, stars, etc. I knew God the governing power. But I did not know God, The Father. I could not know God, The Father, because I had not settled my indifference regarding The Son. What I now know is that Jesus stands between us and God the Father. Many people know and worship God, The Creator; The Source; The Governing Power, but there’s an inner dimension that requires acceptance of The Son, Jesus Christ. The truth is that we can manage many things with the right mindset and thinking, but healing, restoration, deliverance, wholeness, destiny, true identity, and salvation comes through Christ. Yet, my baptism did not guarantee me all of those things because God knows the heart. Still unsure of who Jesus was and why I needed Him, I remained indifferent. I could feel God working on my behalf, I could see Him in my abilities, and in my well-being but there were many things that I had not been able to conquer or tap into. My depression would still overpower me, my fear of rejection was still paralyzing, my sense of wholeness would come and go, my family relationships were functional but loveless (because I was cold, hard, and I would cut people off without a second thought), and destiny had become out of sight and mind. I had achieved a great success with my weight loss, but by September, 2015, I was staring at a wall and I knew I couldn’t dismantle it in my strength. I had come up against this wall before. Actually, I was tired of circling this wall. I wanted it down. But it was not a matter of mental strength or will power; it was a matter of authority. This time, God’s call to me was strong and stern. He dealt with me accordingly, because He knew at that point that I knew enough.
That October, I had been on Facebook showcasing my weight loss, and I had certainly given great credit to God for the power and strength to overcome. Then, one night, I received a text from an old friend. She wrote me, “I’m glad that you always give credit to God, but don’t forget about Jesus.” I was stopped in my tracks. I couldn’t ignore her message. It triggered something deep within me. It was a moment of reckoning. It was time to decide where I stood. For a thinker, this was not easy. Thinkers rely on intellect. Jesus is a heart matter. He defies all intellectual laws. But, I didn’t fight it this time. I leaned into it and the Lord responded to that lean towards Him. Ultimately, He then sent Calvary.
He threw me into a financial tail spin, which caused me to have to change counties. Next, He led me to a place, a church, where I would learn to repent. Funny, in the whole journey, at no point, was I encouraged to repent. Interesting, but true! Suddenly, with repentance came the unfolding of life and life abundantly.
I'm now uncovering that.. My Depression is no match for the Word of God, and restoration is unfolding rapidly in all areas of my life! Isolation is now a thing of the past, and my fear of rejection is pending complete resolution! But, most importantly, destiny is back in view!
So, why do I share all of this? First, because when Jesus heals you, you can’t help but tell. Second, because the blog was re-launched at the beginning of the year after nearly a three year hiatus, and since then, there’s been a dramatic shift in content. Therefore, I wanted to fill in the gaps, but ultimately to share my story of how God is restoring my life. Eventually, I will return to addressing and teaching on my core topics, but my work will never be exactly what it was before because there is a different filter for my perceptions and understanding. Still, I hope you will continue to visit the blog and walk with me some time. I appreciate you following this series and I pray that it's been a blessing to you.
In Service,
NaTisha Renee Williams
The "Emotional Life" Coach
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